The adventures of What? NO! NO JACK! GET AWAY!
by Tak Membrane
Summary: JACK! I KILLED YOU! WH....WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME BE! Hey is that Ted Turner?
1. Dantes Inferno

**Hello everybody and welcome to a fanfic. **

**disclaimer: In fact...I DO own hannibal. YEAH. YEAH. SO WHAT IF I DO?............oh wait.......no.....that's my kitten I'm thinking of. Nevermind. False alarm.

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**Walking down the hallway to his cell was always the worst part for pooooooor innocent Clarice. She hated it. OH SHE HATED IT SO MUCH. especially the part with the beeeeeaans.

Clarice approached his cell and smacked her face up against the glass.  
"HAI SEXXY BOI!" she exclaimed. Hannibal turned around to face her. He too walked up to the glass.

"Hello clariccccccccccce" he whispered. A million giggling fangirls shuddered with joy. Clarice smiled and took out some papers. She shuffled them for a bit. Then stopped. and then she shuffled them a little more, then she stopped. Then she shuffled them. The cycle continued for a bit.  
Hannibal sighed and waited.  
After about two more hours of shuffling papers, Clarice finally looked up at Hannibal.  
"Hanni," she said, but he cut her off.  
"Don't call me that"  
"Can I call you Hannah?"  
"no"  
"Hanna bannana?"  
"no"  
"Hansle?"  
"No!"  
"Han-solo?"  
"No!"  
"Hanny-baby?"  
"No!"  
"HANNY FO FANNY FI FO FANNY HANNY?!"  
"NO!"  
"Yes momma. Anyways, I been thinking lately Hanny. About our future. Together." She said. A million crazy fangirls leaned in closer.  
Hannibal noddded. "As have I" he said. Clarice smiled.  
"I've decided to marry you Hanny, but only if......only if...." Clarice muttered. Hannibal lifted an eyebrow.  
"Only if what?" he asked. Clarice looked at him with big watery eyes.  
"ONLY IF YOU GET RIDE OF THAT HIDEOUS BALD SPOT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!!!!" she screamed, pointing a finger at him. Hannibal took a step back.(to the future)  
"What bald spot? I've never seen one before. Oh there it is." he said.  
"HOW CAN YOU SEE IT IF IT'S ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD?!"  
Suddenly, Godzilla stormed in.  
"AUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!" godzilla screamed, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!! I GAINED FIVE POUNDS!!!!! I'M SO FFFFFFFAAAAAAATTTT!"  
Gozilla trampled all over the asylum. All of the crazies cells were broken open except for Hannibals and Jack Sparrows. Oh excuse me. CAPTAIN Jack sparrow.  
Godzilla, after wailing about some more, went home and decided to iron some socks, watch TV, eat ice cream, read about jennifer love hewitts latest career developments, raise the kids, scold the husband, bring home the bacon, cook the bacon, check if the bacon is low in fat, eat it anyways, serve the bacon the some of the kids, tell the kids who didn't get bacon that they'll just have to accept it, watch dr phil, try to lose weight, say farewell to her oldest child, try to clean the stains out of her old apron, decided to buy a new apron, get in the car, sit in traffic, give up on sitting in traffic and just rampage to the mall, ask a cashier where the aprons are, go to the apron section, pick out an apron that's not to expensive, that doesn't make her butt look big, that doesn't look tacky, try the apron on, stand in line, pay for the apron, go out to the parking lot, search for her car, remember that she rampaged to the mall, rampage back home, and go to sleep.

And they all lived horribly ever after.


	2. War and Peace

**my sisters says I shouldn't put chapter two up yet. BUT SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE ARTS OF WRITING FANFICTION. *drama***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hannibal. Clarice does. Oh yeah baby. uh uh uh! ow ow!

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Upon opening her door, she realized several things. One was the smell. Her entire house smelled like mustard. The second thing she noticed was the fact that a cooking show was blaring in her ears. She winced and turned down the volume a bit. The third and final thing she noticed was the huge amounts of smoke filtering out of her kitchen. She sighed and walked into it to see exactly what she had expected.

"what are you doing in my house, Hanni?" Clarice sighed. He turned around. There was blood all over his face. Clarice grimaced.

"That had better be your blood, Hanni" She said firmly. Hanni frowned, turned around, cut his face with a knife, and then turned back.

"Don't worry. It is. See? Here's the cut!" he said hopefully, pointing to the cut. Clarice sighed angrily and looked around. She noticed that the oven was on.

"So, what are you cooking?" she asked angrily. Hanni turned off the oven quickly.

"Nothing." he said. Clarice frowned.

"alright...HEY HANNI, WANNA GO ON A DATE?!" SHE ASKED SUDDENLY. whoa...anyways...Hanni perked up and put down his knife. He walked up to her smiling like a.....madman.....okay just forget about that last bit.

"Hmmmmmm.........what are you saying Claricccccce?" he whispered. Clarice wiped the spit off of her face.

"I'm saying...I wanna go out with you on a date!" she exclaimed. Hanni smiled.

"OKEE DOKKE!!!! THAT SOUNDS GREAT!" he shouted.

Clarice smiled and pulled out a blindfold.

"Okay now it's a surprise so you'll have to wear this blindfold" Clarice said.

"bitch"

"freak"

"whore"

"Psycho" Clarice spat and she put the blindfold on Hanni. He grumbled but learned to accept it as you must accept all things in life. Ooh. that sounds like a yoda quote. Yoda kicks ass.

LATER........

Hanni felt the car come to a stop and he heard Clarice's door open.

"Okay, now I need to get some more gas for my car. You stay RIGHT THERE....okay?"

"Yes momma"

Clarice walked away. A minute passed. Hanni slowly took off his blindfold. They were indeed at a gas station. He sat in the drivers seat and hot wired Clarice's car. He started it up and was about to go when he turned to the readers.

"Remember kids, safety first." Hannibal said as he buckled his seatbelt. Then he took off at 80 mph down the street against traffic.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! KYAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!" Hannibal laughed. Suddenly, his new car came to a sudden stop in front of a Mcdonalds. Hanni licked his lips and ran inside.

MEAN......goddamn capslock......

Meanwhile inside the Mcdonalds.....

Mario and Santa claus were enjoying a good ol fashioned Happy meal. It was all very scientific. WHEN SUDDENLY, HANNIBAL LECTOR, WORLD RENOWNED CHAMPION OF COMPETIVE DANCING CAME IN WITH A MEAT CLEAVER AND A HUMAN HAND IN HIS MOUTH. OH IT WAS SO HIDEOUS!

"Hey is that Ted turner?"

GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI DON'T WANNA FINISH THIS.

THEN HANNIBAL ATE THEM ALL THE END.


	3. The adventures of sherlock holmes

**I'M GONNA GO TO LAS VEGA IN AN HOUR. WOOT.**

**Disclaimer: If i DID own hannibal, he would be an alien. Is he? No? Then I guess I don't own him.

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Once upon a time Clarice opened her car door and saw Hannibal licking her steering wheel. There was a long silence. Clarice took a step back. (to the future).

Hanni slowly turned to her, his tongue still on the wheel. A droplet of drool fell from his mouth onto the floor.

"Ish..um....ish nod whad it lookth lide" He explained. Clarice tilted her head.

"What did you say?" She asked. He pulled his tongue back into his mouth.

"I said 'It's not what it looks like'...." Hannibal muttered.

"WHAT ELSE DID YOU LICK IN MY CAR?" Clarice screamed. Hanni looked down at his feet, ashamed of himself. He pointed to the windshield....and then the drink holder.....and then the gas pedal.....and the seats....and then he looked up at Clarice with big, watery eyes.

"I.....I licked....everything.....I'm sorry....." he mumbled and he looked down at his feet again. Clarice put her hands on her hips angrily. Hanni stepped out of the car and wiped a bit of drool from his mouth with his sleeve.

Clarice stuck her head inside of her car and looked around. She sighed. Everything was covered with Hannibal's cooties. She sighed and turned around.

"Bad boy. BAD." Clarice scolded. Tears gathered in Hannibal's eyes and he sniffed. Clarice furrowed her brow.

"Don't you try and make me feel bad for you. You knew damn well that what you were doing was wrong. Hold out your hands." Clarice ordered. Hannibal looked horrified and shakily held out his hands.

Clarice took out a ruler and smacked his hands. Hard. Twice. Hannibal cried.

"Now then, I'm going to be taking your truck home. I want you to clean out my car and then bring it back to my house. Got it?" Clarice demanded. Hannibal nodded sadly.

"Good. Alright. Good-bye" Clarice said and she climbed into Hannibal's truck and drove home.

Hannibal wiped a tear away from his cheek, turned around and was promptly kidnapped by Mason's thugs.

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	4. The monkeys paw

**My sister is insane

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**Once upon a time hannibal was taking a shower when suddenly a whole onslaught of tentascles came out of his shower head and wrapped around his body and pulled him inside.

Hannibal was very upset about the whole ordeal and he made his upsettiness known throughout the house by using vibrations in his vocal chords which were located in his throat. The said vocalizations went something like this:

"HOLY GINNY KISSSING HARRYS! CLARICE! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY HORRIBLE SHOWER TENCTACLES AND I'M GONNA DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!" he screamed.

Meanwhile in the other room...

Clarice sighed and covered her ears. Stupid things like this happened everyday it seemed. If only she didn't live inside of a retarded fanfiction.


End file.
